Time often passes by us in what feels like bursts of wind. It sweeps up everything around us in a kind of blind rush, moving and eroding patterns before we can catch our bearings. By the time it has passed — a month, a year, a relationship — it’s hard to even tell what has actually happened. And it isn’t until things have settled back down, into a place where they can be recognized and counted, that we start to feel the full weight of what has changed. Time with you was a burst of wind, and when I think of it, from memory alone I want to pull my sweater tighter around me.

I can’t say exactly what makes certain people more difficult than others, but there are undeniably those we love who refuse to fit into any shape we could possibly cut out for them. Their whole being seems frustrating, elusive, incompatible. And with you, there was always a palpable difficulty. I was a child again, playing with my wooden block toys, attempting to insert a triangle block into a square-shaped cut-out. It never fit, and yet I didn’t possess the perspective or the self-confidence to understand that the shapes simply didn’t coincide. For so long, I wondered what I was doing wrong, trying over and over again to make the impossible happen.

You taught me many things about myself, about what it means to love and care even in the face of cold indifference. There were glimpses of compassion and understanding, sure, but I have no doubts as to the dynamics of our interactions. I was always chasing, and you barely had to move to stay out of my reach. Those moments of affection, without which the whole ordeal would have seemed worthless, became like tiny flecks of gold found in near-endless piles of soot and rubble. If I could only keep digging, I thought, I would eventually uncover something beautiful — something I needed to believe existed between us.

I never did, of course. There was never a deeper level to our story than what you allowed on the surface. In that way, I admit that you were decent. You were up-front, and never explicitly promised more than you would ultimately be prepared to give. It was almost entirely me, weaving elaborate tapestries of double-speak and hidden meanings that spelled out only the things I wanted to hear. There was nothing I couldn’t misinterpret for my own desire, my own need to be needed by someone in whom I invested so deeply.

But the wind blew past us, the summer over more quickly than I’d ever seen one go before. There was a moment we were sitting on a porch, listening to cicadas and talking about keeping in touch, and then it was gone. Our hands were touching, and then they weren’t. If I had known that moment would be over so soon, I would have probably said goodbye then. I would have liked to go out with a little dignity, a little closure — not drawn out over months of barely speaking, of me attaining perpetually higher limits of humiliation in my refusal to accept the truth. To have confronted your unavailability head-on would have been a ripping off of the emotional band-aid, one I onlythought I wanted to spend the cool autumn months gently tugging at.

We didn’t speak; we didn’t keep in touch. For a long time, I remained convinced that this period of distance was a strange emotional coma from which you would suddenly awake. You would tell me that you were sorry to have been so weird, that you had always loved me, that I had always been right. I suppose I have watched enough movies in my life to believe that no story, if unsatisfying, is ever at its very end. The tiny flame of hope that this may all have been a petulant phase in your otherwise limitless capacity for love and understanding was perhaps more painful than the harsh finality of your disinterest. To keep grasping at ever-slimmer chances of a happy ending was frustrating, and then ridiculous, and then profoundly sad. I would have liked to just go straight to sad.

After our time flew past me, the passing of months and years became more soft, more understandable. Time once again resembled the lazy river that it had always been, not catching me in its refusal to slow down and let me breathe. The months turned into years, and every last bit of dust from our strange little hurricane had settled. My thoughts of us had become — have become — tiny vignettes that pass in front of my eyes only when faced with a direct reference to you. And they no longer carry a sting, or a turn of the stomach, or even a remote desire to reach out. Life is better (as I had always imagined it might be) when I am surrounded by people of whose love I am completely sure.

I will not forget you, though. I don’t think that you particularly deserve my memory, nor do I flatter myself into believing that you return my sense of vague wistfulness. There is no part of me that wants to return to the limbo I existed in for so long, or even the often-imagined parallel universe in which you reciprocated my feelings to the letter. I do, however, want to remember what it feels like to be hurt, to want, to need something so desperately only to find out that your life is perfectly fine without it. As much as the little scar on my knee will always remind me to watch out when I am running, yours on my heart will teach me to be kind. Because I know what it feels like to be cast aside with indifference, and I know that it’s a pain from which the body itself takes a long time to recover. You will live in my mind as a cautionary tale, a fable of how much damage words can do — especially when they are insincere. And though I am not nostalgic for what we did have, I am hopeful about life being filled with everything we didn’t.

Aside

“Yay!” to a stay home Sunday 🙂 

My plan for today will just be trying to complete my projects. 5 more to go and presentation then all will be over and done with. I am quite sure that I am already used to the cycle of holiday, school, common tests, holiday, projects, exams, holiday and it starts all over again.

Anyway, yesterday was spent on doing some solo shopping, meeting tkd friends for a horror movie and calling it a day after dinner at chompchomp.

Bought two tops from Zara yesterday, one for mama and one for myself. I was surprised that she did not repremand me for spending unnecessary money hahaha in fact she likes it! ^_^ Forever 21 and H&M was having sales but nothing attractive to me though. Met up with Sara, Kokhui and Weiliang to catch Tales from the dark. It was nothing compared to other horror movies that I’ve watched but I screamed and was quite scared by it probably because it was the first entire horror movie that I’ve watched in a cinema. Haha my apology goes out to poor Kokhui who sat beside me the entire time and let me hit him when I got scared HAHAHAH. According to them I was the only one screaming in the threatre hahaha ok..thats embarrasing… *digs a hole in a ground*

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Yesterday’s wear:

Cropped star top and hight waist short shorts with my vans kicks.

I used to be able to fit into the short the moment i pull it up but nowadays i have to wriggle my way through it. Sigh pie. 

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After the movie we went to Scape to visit Weiling’s friend’s booth and I saw my friend instead and decided to shower some support by getting this vintage wood-carved rose bracelet. Isn’t it so purrrrrrdy? I think it was love at first sight~~~lool hahahah it makes me look so vampire white!

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Redondo cappucino is always my favorite followed by vanilla #favsnack!

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I am having earl grey tea in the longest time because previously i have switched to green tea and english breakfast instead. Btw, if you are wondering what is the laptop that I’m using, it is VAIO C series in baby pink. Friends have been asking me if the pink layer is a cover, the answer is no, it is not 🙂 Its a pretty old model cause dad got it for me after my O levels and I have been using it ever since. The system can get pretty fxcked up sometimes but it has made me proud cause people kept telling me how pretty my laptop is etc etc HAHAHAHA

I guess I have to get started on my project now, sorry for such an abrupt ending to the post haha

XX JOANNE XX

-signing off with a bada$$ picture for the first time in Joanne’s history-

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Aside

Thank you so much for reading the previous post and I appreciate those that even decides to follow me on WordPress. However the purpose of JxanneZ.wordpress.com is still be on my life and occational random topics so please please please dont expect much from me..

Life was pretty hectic but I am so glad that I could balance it the Libra style. haha I am a libra and proud to be one 🙂

I have some pictures to share and I’ll let them do the talking~

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MRP presentation down 🙂
Thanks ❤weiqi❤ for being such a good partner, putting in effort and constantly reminding me about deadlines to meet 🙂

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Low Carbs burger from Carls Junior. It was so juicy and yummy!!

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crazy fan girl of froyos here ^_^

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Falling in love with the habit of having breakfast..

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This month I am trying grey contact lens. I hope it doesnt look too harsh on me 🙂

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Finally got my dobok and I am aware that I’ve tied my belt wrong but… just ignore that! HAHAHHA

It was a busy start for the week and I guess I will sleep soon… Just came back from training and I am really tired from the mental stress that Poomsae gives me hahah in fact I feel quite demoralized doing it. Sucks being a slow learner.. Goodnight!

XX JOANNE XX

sidenote: ask me about anything at http://www.ask.fm/jxannez 🙂

The Libra Style

Aside

Finally, a new post! haha 🙂

It’s a bright Tuesday morning and so far, my week has been good(not extremely good nor extremely bad).

On Sunday, it was my first day of work. I woke up regretting signing myself up for so much chores and troubles because I was expecting lots of clients and sign ups but to my dismay, there was none, absolutely none in 8 hours! So, the whole 8 hours was spent standing there dazzing out(which I am very good at) and other times I will be helping out with the full timers. One of the full timer asked if I was a Singaporean, I said yes and she said I looked like Yoona. I was flattered. I mean, thanks, but how could it be? The others also found joy in guessing my age. HAHAHA.

I have been skipping too much lessons lately that it has influenced me negatively. I could feel the huge weight on my feet every morning when preparing for school, being late have become a norm nowadays. I know this is bad and will (&has) affect me academically but I guess bad thoughts are like drugs, once it has started, it will be hard to stop..  Whatever it is, I still hope for the better; I dont ask for much, all I want is to get a Diploma cert and out of school I go. 1.5 more years, I can do this.

As usual, I skipped a lecture for a movie date with my TKD friends 🙂 They are such a bundle of joy and it was really sweet of them to make time for each other! But of course, W have to learn to stop threatening people.. Anyway, we caught The Lone Ranger at West Mall and the queue was horrible, it went allllllll the way to the exit staircase but thank goodness JJ did an impromptu booking and managed to got us tickets. I would rate The Lone Ranger an 8 out of 10 because the storyline was pretty interesting(cowboys & fighting on trains) and I thought the director did a great job with the animations and stunts and coordinating the actions on the train. Nevertheless, the Johnny Depp and Helena Carter starred films have always been interesting to me (talking about Sweeney Todd, Dark Shadows, Alice in Wonderland etc).  Not fortgetting the lone ranger himself, Armmie Hammer. Personally, I feel that he is much much much more charming than Mr. Brad Pitt. Haahaha!

Some recent pictures…

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Happy 18th Birthday to Hanyang! I actually felt quite guilty for stopping him  from splurging money on turqilas that night but he was already really highhh… :/ Although I just knew him a few days back, but he is super fun to hang out with.. like his nonsence are totally out of the world and the things that he do are really really stupid but hilarious! I can actually see myself hanging out with him hahah BUT I DEFINITELY HOPE THAT I WON’T BECOME AS “OH LALA” AS HIM. HAHAHA NO OFFENCE IF HANYANG SEES THIS.

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Happy 18th Birthday to one of my poly girl friends, RuoXin! We have so much interest in common like shopping and being N00Bii3s in pool. I hope you’ve enjoyed your night dancing and eating pizzas! AND TILL I TURN 18, YOU CAN CLUB WITHOUT ME! AHHAHAAH LOVE YOUUU ^_^

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ARMIE HAMMER ARMIE HAMMER ARMIE HAMMER SO HANSUM.

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NERD shirt from BANGKOK. Thanks Yeow Boon 😛 Thanks for labelling me as a “NERD” HAHAHA

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Damn sick nails that I am in L O V E with! ❤

KKK thats all for now! 🙂 And I’ll leave you with a saying.

“Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious”

Something happened to myself recently that I can relate to the above saying and I hope my readers would not have to learn it the hard way like I did. In fact, a penny for your thought 🙂

Have a great week ahead!

XX Joanne XX

Only a few people actually care, the rest are just curious

Aside